If you’re ever going to be ready for Mr Right, you have to take a good hard look back at all the Mr Wrong you’ve dated in your life and work out what lessons you need to learn from all those frogs you kissed.
1 The Bachelor He’s attractive, funny, has a good job, a nice place… that’s right, he’s too good to be true. “He seems like a great catch,” Lawrence says, “but he’ll dump you by the end of the second month.” She’s eerily correct: my own bachelor lasted for barely seven weeks. He owned his own advertising agency, a lovely flat in central London, a fat cat and a Vespa. I was 31 and should have known better. I didn’t have sex with him for the first five dates, thinking that if he was The One I should hold out to seem like wife material. Silly me – it doesn’t make any difference with The Bachelor because he’s not looking for a wife. As one of Lawrence’s friends once told her, “He’s like a glass of water with a coaster: he never leaves a ring.” Sure enough, he phoned me one day to say there was another girl he’d been seeing who was ‘more in love with him than I was’, so he was ‘going to go with her’. I was gobsmacked. Then I remembered the two champagne glasses in the drainer in his designer kitchen the last time I’d stayed the night… “He’s attractive because he seems to have his life under control,” says sex columnist Rachel Kramer Bussel. “But that’s precisely the problem; there’s only room for you in his bed, not anywhere else.” So be wary; if you see champagne glasses in the drainer and you haven’t drunk any champagne, ask questions. Because then at least you’ll have the satisfaction of dumping him.
2 The Hot Guy My first-ever boyfriend at 18 was a Hot Guy called Chris who looked like a young Brad Pitt. Being seen out with him made me feel like the most beautiful girl on Earth because the dazzle of his good looks reflected onto me. And so, when he inevitably dumped me, I comfort-ate, putting on 7lbs in a fortnight, totally insecure about being rejected by someone so handsome. Lesson to be learnt: as Kramer Bussel points out, the Hot Guy “will only make you feel insecure if you’re insecure to start with.” I needed to work on my self-confidence. A hard lesson to learn, particularly because those 7lbs were a bastard to get off again…
3 The Older Guy Ah yes. Matt*. I was 24, he was 35. Turned out he preferred younger women because he was too messed up to date anyone his own age. He didn’t want an equal, he wanted a wide-eyed young thing who was impressed by his recipe for tomato sauce with mango chutney in it (the secret ingredient). “Older Guys don’t want an equal,” says couples therapist Lucy Rivers, “so he’ll dump you after a while for a younger version of you.” I dumped Martin when I realised he never gave me any encouragement with my career. I was a struggling journalist and instead of supporting me he’d just pat me on the head and tell me how sweet I was. Years later, I bumped into him. He was living in the same (rented) flat, doing the same job and his latest girlfriend was – you guessed it – a struggling artist of 25. I hope she learns the Older Man lesson soon.
4 The
Proximity Guy “He’s the guy you date because he happens to be available,” Lawrence explains, and he’s the one you’re most embarrassed to admit to dating. You don’t introduce Proximity Guy to anyone. He isn’t Mr Right, he’s just Mr Right Next Door. My Proximity Guy was called Francesco. We didn’t have anything in common apart from the fact we were stuck in the same quiet village (I was living in Italy at the time) and ‘hooked up’ when we had nothing better to do on the long winter evenings. “You both know your relationship is going nowhere, ” says Lawrence. Well, yeah, if you can dignify it by even calling it a relationship.
Proximity Guy “He’s the guy you date because he happens to be available,” Lawrence explains, and he’s the one you’re most embarrassed to admit to dating. You don’t introduce Proximity Guy to anyone. He isn’t Mr Right, he’s just Mr Right Next Door. My Proximity Guy was called Francesco. We didn’t have anything in common apart from the fact we were stuck in the same quiet village (I was living in Italy at the time) and ‘hooked up’ when we had nothing better to do on the long winter evenings. “You both know your relationship is going nowhere, ” says Lawrence. Well, yeah, if you can dignify it by even calling it a relationship.5 The Wounded Guy Oh God, Wounded Guy. The love of my life, until I met my fantastic husband. He was called Tim* and was very damaged, although it took me ages to realise that because when I met him he seemed incredibly together. “Which is often how Wounded Guy conceals his problems,” says Rivers. “By seeming to have everything under control.” Unspecified family trauma meant I was the first serious girlfriend he’d ever had. At 30. Yes I know, I know, but I thought my love could heal all his pain. It was agonising to realise Mitchell’s need to keep everything under control meant he could never open up enough to have a proper relationship. “You want to be the one to heal all his wounds,” says Kramer Bussel, “but this will only happen when he’s ready to be saved, not before. So save your energy for someone who appreciates it.”
6 The Clingy Guy The Clingy Guy adores you. He lavishes you with flowers and DVDs he’s burnt of your favourite TV shows. On the second date he tells you he wants you to meet his parents, and he’s not just trying to get you into bed, he means it. He is, as Lawrence says, “Your man-puppy. He’ll follow you anywhere.” I met my Clingy Guy, Phil*, at university. After I finally told him I just wanted to be friends, he sneaked a look at my laptop in the library only to find a half-written email that read: /I really should fancy Phil as he’s such a nice guy, but every time he sticks his tongue in my mouth I want to scream or bite it off./ Phil left a Post-it on my laptop saying he’d never talk to me again. And he didn’t. Phew. Lesson: send your message loud and clear, even if you do like the attention… and the DVDs.
7 The Younger Guy Pretty, smooth-skinned, unspoilt by life. That’s the point of the Younger Guy. Well, that and all his sexual energy. At 31, I rebounded from a serious boyfriend onto a 22-year-old called Davey who looked like a fallen angel (think dark and brooding) and was a tortured artist. That part was a bit exhausting. But hey, he was a successful rebound and I get huge girl-points for having had a fling with someone A) younger and B) shockingly handsome. “He’ll make you feel good about yourself,” says Rivers, “and as long as you’re both aware it’s just a fling, it can be a very positive experience.”
8 The Workout Guy You meet him in the gym or out jogging. He’s ripped, sexy and super-fit. Jeff was my weights coach at the gym. On our second date we ate sushi and went back to his. I woke up hungry and went to the fridge – full of smoothies and wheatgrass. On the side was a huge jar of protein powder. That was all the food he had in his flat. Starving, I nipped out to get some brekkie at the corner cafe, and never went back. Dating a Workout Guy, says Lawrence, “is like dating a muscular male version of a 13-year-old girl with an eating disorder.” Lesson: don’t date anyone who can’t make you a basic breakfast.
9 The Party Guy Ben*, a hot Australian who plied me with champagne while playing Al Green’s sexiest songs on the stereo, was my Party Guy. And I still remember him very fondly. The first time we kissed I jumped back and said, “You have a tongue stud!” “Yeah,” he said, looking me straight in the eye, “and it’s really good for oral sex. Wanna find out?” I did, and it was. Oh, Party Guy is so much fun. Just remember that he’s totally unreliable, and always, always use a condom. My friend Julie* caught a nasty little infection off a Party Guy last year and it took ages to clear up. So by all means play, but play safe.
Source-Cosmo
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