The Men's Guide to Buying Lingerie
Granted, we're blokes too, and we can't boast that we wear lingerie on a daily basis, but we've still got some ideas passed on from the world's finest ladies to share with you. So here are the basics of buying lingerie according to FHM:
Know her sizes
If there’s one thing that makes underwear buying a minefield, it’s sizes. Too big and she’ll think you’re saying she’s fat, too small and she’ll think you’re suggesting she lose weight. In short, rifle through her underwear drawer and check her size.
Choose the right colour
The only thing to really remember here is do not buy bright red (prostitute) or cream (wedding lingerie). Base the rest on the colours your girlfriend usually wears. If, for instance, she’s a fan of a particular shade of pink, try that. Unsure? Go for black, it looks good on everyone.
Buy smart
This isn’t necessarily an exercise in what suits your girlfriend’s body shape, but what she feels comfortable in. Look at the underwear she regularly wears. If it’s thongs, buy a sexy version of that. If she wears proper knickers, opt for that shape. Check whether her bras have padding – if most do, make sure the one you buy does as well.
Don’t play it safe
Lingerie is supposed to be sexy so don’t under any circumstances buy something she can wear every day. If it looks like her normal underwear, you haven’t got the right stuff. But don’t go too far the other way. Buying a corset with a horse tail at the back might be a bit much first time round.
Be brave
It can be embarrassing buying lingerie but the shop assistants are there to help and they know what they’re talking about. Ask their advice, take your time and don’t panic buy. That way, you won’t have to take it back with your disappointed missus in tow.
Former Blue Peter present and Miss Northern Ireland 1999 finest Zoe Salmon knows a thing or two about lingerie:
1. She looks mighty fine in it.
2. She knows what she (and your gift recipient) likes, and she's going to tell you all about it right here on FHM.com - with accompanying pics of Page 3 model Danni Wells posing in it...
"I've never actually been given a gift of lingerie. I have been gifted with PJs, but it was the most hideous present I've ever received.
It was from my boyfriend - now ex, obviously! Despite the fact I wear a nightie to bed, he got me two pairs of pyjamas. One would have been bad enough, but two?! They said ridiculous things like 'Grumpy But Gorgeous' and 'Sweet dreams' with pictures of sweets all over. It was like something you would give to a nine-year-old.
So my point is - don't think outside the box. I wore nighties because I don't like PJs. The same rule applies to lingerie. If she wears thongs don't buy her French knickers. If she likes a padded bra don't buy her a flimsy non-underwired one. You might like it, but that's not the point. You don't have to wear it. She won't feel sexy in something she's not used to.
Look at what she wears and buy her something similar. For instance: if she normally wears white or nude underwear, buy her the same style and shape, but perhaps in black lace or red satin. Go to a department store where there is an entire floor dedicated to lingerie and choose a classy brand.
Women's bodies are all different and we all have our lingerie likes and dislikes. I mainly wear black or nude, I am not a fan of multi-colours. I think it can look cheap. I prefer thongs to any other type of underwear and my favourite material is lace. I love Victoria's Secret.
And the final piece of advice - include the gift receipt. You have been warned!"
We've transformed you from lingerie luddite to skimpies specialist, but we're not done yet. Because, sometimes in life, you need to go the extra mile. If you're fortunate enough to be buying lingerie for an open-minded lady - more Sasha Grey, less Princess Anne - you might want to explore the glorious world of Kinkyville.
Rubber... latex... PVC... whips... paddles... crotchless... blindfolds... tassles... No, not George Michael's weekly Tesco delivery, but a small selection of the cornucopia of more risqué options available to you.
If this area interests you, then getting it right will lead to a heavenly gala of filthy stupefaction. Get it wrong, however, and you'll quickly find yourself sad and alone, sobbing gently into your pillow with only a zebra cock pouch for company.
TALK TO HER
The key to success in this area is openness. You'll never really know what your partner is into until you talk to her about it. You don't want her to come home to find you tied to the bed in a leather gimpsuit with the components of a one-four-seven break filling your orafices if that's not her bag. But, a little discussion can lead to some sexual highs you never thought possible.
CHOOSE YOUR MOMENT
Over dinner with her parents... at a funeral... in front of her boss... during Desperate Housewives... all times when your lady is unlikely to be overly receptive to a conversation about whether she'll dress up like Ann Widdecombe and punish you like the naughtly tyke that you are.
Instead, try steering things in that direction when you're both at your horniest - during sex. The steamy, sordid kind, not the lovely dovey James Blunt on the radio kind. Slip in a bit of dirty talk. Tell her you love it when she's naughty. Ask her what really turns her on. If she has any dirty fantasies she's never told anyone. Carefully gauge her response - if she's getting into it you can push the envelope, if she's not, you should retreat quicker than a French agrophobic in Selfridge's on Christmas Eve.
Just be prepared for the moment she sticks a finger up your bum and screams, "Take me, Abu Hamza!"
BE HONEST
It's fine to be a bit nervous broaching this territory. In truth, she'll probably find this endearing. If you're all, "Yeah, this one time I went away for the weekend with nine pornstars, two midgets, a gaggle of geese and a giant wheel of cheese - what a party THAT was..." she'll feel out of her depth and retreat into her shell (mixed metaphor, anyone?)
Make sure she knows that she really turns you on. You don't want her to construe this as, "Our sex life needs spicing up or I'm leaving". Just have a gentle chat about what turns you both on. Needless to say, a little booze can help.
Finally...
Now you've mastered lingerie, the last thing you'll want is any interruptions.
Sure it looks pretty, lacey and frilly, but what the hell is it? It's full of weird French words and stuff you'd probably never understand unless we told you. But that's what we're here for, so here's the genius of the FHM lingerie glossary.
Corset - A supportive structure worn around the waist, a corset is designed to make a woman’s midriff appear smaller. Ribbons on the corset are pulled tight and then tied to hold everything in place.
Waspie - A derivative of the corset, the waspie is a belt worn around the waist to make it appear much smaller.
Bustier - Shorter in the body than a corset – it reaches only to the ribs – a bustier works like a Wonder Bra by squeezing your lady’s midriff and forcing her cleavage up. Oof!
Basque - Named after the traditional dress of the Basque people of Spain and France, who wore close-fitting jackets which came in tightly at the waist, the Basque covers the midriff and provides support for cleavage.
Peephole bra - A bra that allows you to see the wearer’s nipples, either by way of slits or gaps in the fabric.
Hold-ups - Like tights but without the ugly asexual crotch bit, hold-ups have an elasticated panel at the top which, unlike stockings, keeps them in place without the need for suspenders.
G-string - Knickers, defined by the strip of material that sits in between the buttocks when worn. This prevents a visible knicker line.
Chemise - A loose-fitting, short dress, also known as a baby doll that is fitted around the breasts. Like a nightie, but better.
Camisole - A tight fitting, sleeveless top, similar to a crop top.
